Saturday, February 24, 2007

Dirty Frank Goes To the Grammys

So… didja enjoy the Grammys? If you answered yes to that question, consider sterilization.

What the FUCK was that nonsense? Now, don’t get me wrong – I didn’t go into this “awards” show with any preconceived notions. I knew it was going to suck hard enough to leave teeth marks. I just didn’t know that it was going to draw blood as well.

Let’s start with the less egregious shit and work up to the heavy stuff. Carrie Underwood wins multiple Grammys. Great. Thanks, Recording Academy. You’ve now just encouraged American Idol producers for years to come, sentencing those of us who love real music to die a slow death by listening to the opinions of borderline retards (otherwise known as the American Idol viewing audience). Fuck you very much.

What do we have next? Oh, I see that Wolfmother was awarded a Grammy. I really hated them the first time I heard them… when they were called Jet. For a band that cites Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath as influences, these guys sure do share nothing in common with them. Wait, I’m pretty sure they breathe air… and that’s it. Jimmy Page and Ozzy Osbourne must be rolling over in their graves right now. Shit, that’s right… they’re not dead yet. They must not have had the pleasure of listening to Wolfmother’s album this year.

The Roots, the best hip-hop band in music today, is nominated for Best Rap Album and they lose. To Ludacris. If I really loved hip hop, I’d be even more pissed than I already am. I remember seeing a Ludacris video one time where the effects made his head look really big – then I realized that he does actually have a really big fucking head. And no talent.

I’ve saved the best for last. Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” was the best single of 2006. Bar none – end of story. It was at the top of, by my calculations, 47,587 year-end top singles lists and was one of the most genre-spanning hits in recent memory. I don’t know of anyone who DIDN’T like this song. Shit, even my grandmother would have liked it… you know, if she was still alive and all (God rest her soul). So it should be a shoe-in for Record Of The Year, right? Right?!

Uh… no. The Dixie Chicks steal that “honor” with “Not Ready To Make Nice.” Well, apparently Natalie Maines must have managed to pull off this travesty by using her Muppet-sized mouth to “make nice.” Has anyone actually heard this fucking song? ‘Cause I think the answer’s probably no. On top of that, they also manage to win Song Of The Year as well as Album Of The Year. You know, because when I think of the best of music in 2006, I think of The Dixie Bitches. What. The. Fuck. I just… there are no other words. I’m spent.

Wanna hear my New Year’s Resolution for 2008? I’m gonna track down the Academy voters, trap them in a hotel conference room by barring the exits with their canes and walkers, and release the fucking Bubonic plague on them. History will paint me a hero. I’m sure of it.

Anyway, lesson learned, kids. If you’re smart enough to avoid watching the actual awards show, be strong enough to avoid reading the “winners” list the next day. Don’t make the same mistake I did. You’ll thank yourself later.


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