Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Academy Awards are a goddamn joke.

Every year the Academy nominates a list of seemingly random films and film-related persons to shower with grossly inaccurate hyperbole and rabid, fanatical adoration.

But anyone with three active neurons inside of their skull knows that this award show has no basis in realty. No. In actuality the Academy Awards are an annual farce, specifically, a reality TV show where no one in Hollywood nor most of the viewing public, have any idea their being punked.

But believe us dear reader, you are being punked.

The 79th Academy Award Nominations are as follows:

BEST PICTURE: Babel, The Departed, Letters From Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, and The Queen

BEST DIRECTOR: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu (Babel,) Martin Scorsese (The Departed,) Clint Eastwood (Letters from Iwo Jima,) Stephen Frears (The Queen) and Paul Greengrass (United 93)...

BEST ACTOR: Leonardo DiCaprio (Blood Diamond,) Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson,) Peter O'Toole (Venus,) Will Smith (The Pursuit of Happyness,) Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

BEST ACTRESS: Penelope Cruz (Volver,) Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal,) Helen Mirren (The Queen,) Meryl Streep (The Devil Wears Prada,) Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Let's start from the bottom and work our way back up; Best Actresses. Penelope Cruz was nominated because no one in the Academy can speak Spanish. Or Read. So they pretty much assumed she gave a great performance because there were great tears and great tits.

Actually, Elite Opinion seconds this nomination.

Let's see who else... Judi Dench is old and scary, Maryl Streep is old and scary, Helen Mirren is old, sad, royal and scary and Kate... well who cares, Jennifer Connelly was robbed. Connelly is like the new Demi Moore. Only bushier.

Best actor. Leonardo DiCaprio, for Blood Diamond.

What. The. Fuck.

Did anyone actually see this movie? Clearly no one from the Academy bothered, because 12 seconds into the trailer for Blood Diamond- your head will explode. It's as if God himself came out of the sky and spoke to you, detonating your melon with the unbridled fury and thunderous majesty of his holy voice.

Only it wasn't god's voice that caused your cranium to erupt, it's DiCaprio's accent.

Elite Opinion will now go on record to make the claim that Leo's accent in Blood Diamond is


You could replace all of the contestants on this year's American Idol with all the contestants in this year's special Olympics, and the resulting unholy warbling, eye-rattling noise that those little mongoloids produce would be a BLESSING compared a single, lone syllable uttered in DiCaprio's Blood Diamond Accent.

It is that bad.

And who the fuck is Ryan Gosling and how did the Fresh Prince shimmy his way into this list?

Best Director. Scorsese is a hack. Frears made a movie so horrifically boring and pointless that the UN wouldn't let it be shown in Abu Ghraib because it would violate international torture mandates. Greengrass is a despicable whore bartering human misery and suffering for cash. Alejandro's best movies are behind him (Amores Perros IS a fantastic film.)

And then Eastwood is of course, the man. Clint gets the E.O. vote.

And finally, Best Picture.

Babel - At least it wasn't goldengirls or dreambabes or whatever the fuck that Ray-knock-off with boobs was.

The Departed - This movie has more good actors than every other film released this year, combined. But Scorsese is still a hack and to prove it, watch Infernal Affairs, the movie Marty remade in all of his hackneyed glory. The city of Boston should ban everyone involved with this flick for butchering the easiest accent of all time. DiCaprio's done it again!

Letters From Iwo Jima - Best of the bunch.

Little Miss Sunshine - Not nearly as dark as it should have been, ultimately predictable and too tempered with the need to deliver a heart warming message. Thanks.

The Queen - How did this even make it into production? Miramax ... wha?

SO it's clear that the 2006 Awards are as absurd and inane as the preceding years of the show. And thank god. Because if anyone out there in LA could see half-straight the world would spin off its axes and fly off into the sun.

And if you saw The Queen this year, that would probably suit you just fine.


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