Elite Opinion: Elite Opinion on $piderman 3

Well, the new $pidey trailer's out, and it confirms what we already knew.

The 3rd lukewarm offering in the $piderman franchise will not threaten its predecessors' mediocre dominance over the comic-movie-realm by straying far from the iron-clad formula they've adhered to thus far.

For E.O.'s more science-minded readers, that formula looks like this:

$piderman Feel-Good $oule$$ Formula:

P+A+MJ=-S-W+2(x)

P = Peter Parker is a goddamn coward and a complete tool bag when not in costume.

S = When in costume Spiderman cracks weak jokes with a wormy delivery that sounds a lot like that pussy Parker after two cosmos.

A = Gratuitous CGI action.

MJ = Mary Jane. "I hate you", "I love you", whatever. She wants to do a guy with power, not the guy with glasses and a degree in a field of study she can't pronounce.

In the comics MJ was an actress and a model. The problem is Dunst can barely play the role of an actress.

Go ahead and read that again.

Julia Stiles should have played Mary Jane.

W = Whining. Either Parker's whining or his Skank, his Grandma, his friend, whatever, someone is whining. And it's always about something cliche, manifested in dialogue that would insult a 3rd grader.

Waaahhhh.

It's difficult to hear anything else in this movie, over the constant whine.

X = The requisite amount of colors and shapes moving quickly in seemingly random motions that keeps the average American entranced for up to two hours.

Now for those of you who are trying to make any actual sense of that formula, go to hell. For the rest of you, watch this trailer and then mark your calenders- you don't want to miss all of these bright colors and fun shapes.

Click below to view:

$piderman 3 Trailer

Oh, and I almost forgot. This schmuck is playing Venom: