Elite Opinion's 2006 Winter/Fall - Movies That Are Least-Likely To Induce Self Mutilation Preview
For those of you paying close attention, it appears the Baton most recently spent time in Korea and it is not, I repeat: IT IS NOT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
One could even say that America’s sporting a new baton- a cursed artifact that could be dubbed: The Baton of Soulless and Horrendously Banal and Derivative Film Garbage or something equivalent.
The past five years of American film have given us an endless parade of mega-flicks that cost more than the gross domestic export of China and contain every cliché and caricature that can be crammed into two hours. In addition, for the last half decade we’ve also been served vile helpings of comedic drudgery ala Wayan’s brothers or the now beyond- shameless early 90s SNL cast members, all hell bent on infecting us with yearly movies that pop up like nagging syphilitic outbreaks. And then of course we also have the steady flow of book adaptations mangled into misguided, heavy-handed, star choked Oscar attemptees
C. Owen doing a little 12 Monkeys-style dirty-future-thriller. This is a film about a near future earth where woman have become entirely barren. Across the board. Of course our hero Clive finds the key to prolonging our races's sad stay on the globe and this actually looks like it could be a decently touching and darkly poignant sci-fi peice. Owen generally does good films and this movie looks fairly solid in the trailer. Of course using Sigor Ros in your movie trailer tends to make ANYTHING look beautiful and touching.
[TRAILER] The Children of Men
Office Space’s Mike Judge returns to film with Luke Wilson as his lead. The concept for this movie has some damn funny potential: an American soldier is cryogenically frozen for 200 years and wakes to find the world is so dumbed-down, that he is the smartest man alive. Now this will probably bomb at the box office- but how well do you think Office Space did?
No Trailer Available
Seriously, it's an entire month of trash. If you’re looking for entertainment in October you’ll have to hide in the bushes and steal candy from twelve year olds like the rest of us.
Want to know an easy way to spot the morons in a thick crowd of people? Ask everyone who thinks this movie will ruin the Bond franchise to raise his or her hand. Now look. Everyone with their arms in the air is a fucking retard. You see even if this movie is horrible, it couldn’t possibly be worse than the last Bond bomb. And what’s more I could kick Bronson’s ass. Heartily. Daniel Craig is the man. Did you see Layer Cake?
Just watch the damn trailer. No seriously. Watch it now.
[TRAILER] The Fountain
Soderbergh. If you haven’t figured it out Steve is one of the best directors out there. Sure, he makes an occasional feel-good big budget easy-kill, but so what. Those movies let Clooney make the crazy Indie flicks he (and I) love so much. This is a spy thriller set in WWII Germany. And it will rule.
Bobby D directing again- and he’s directing Damon in a Cold war era spy thriller. This should be plenty cool.
No Trailer Available
12/29 – Pan’s Labyrinth:
I don’t know dick about this movie, but I saw a screen shot with a crazy-ass creature that looks like it wandered off of the set of Legend. Unfortunately the plot is more like Mirror Mask than the 80s Labyrinth that scared the Christ out of any prepubescent viewer.
[TRAILER] Pan's Labyrinth
Well, there you have it.
Just remember, whatever you do- DO NOT WATCH TRANSFORMERS.