Monday, September 11, 2006

Elite Opinion's 2006 Winter/Fall - Movies That Are Least-Likely To Induce Self Mutilation Preview

Over the years and all across the globe different countries take turns holding the magical Baton of Great Film. Wielding this device guarantees a country’s cinematic produce will be brilliant, genres bending, bar-raising masterpieces of story, character and technique. Unfortunately, without the boon of this mystical item most countries generally release monstrous mounds of pure unadulterated shit.

For those of you paying close attention, it appears the Baton most recently spent time in Korea and it is not, I repeat: IT IS NOT IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

One could even say that America’s sporting a new baton- a cursed artifact that could be dubbed: The Baton of Soulless and Horrendously Banal and Derivative Film Garbage or something equivalent.

Good Baton:

Bad Baton:

The past five years of American film have given us an endless parade of mega-flicks that cost more than the gross domestic export of China and contain every cliché and caricature that can be crammed into two hours. In addition, for the last half decade we’ve also been served vile helpings of comedic drudgery ala Wayan’s brothers or the now beyond- shameless early 90s SNL cast members, all hell bent on infecting us with yearly movies that pop up like nagging syphilitic outbreaks. And then of course we also have the steady flow of book adaptations mangled into misguided, heavy-handed, star choked Oscar attemptees

In short, ‘American Film’ is not so much a term used to describe the collective product of the Hollywood machine – but instead it’s an apt title for the scum residue that these celluloid cancers leave across the surface of our brains after we’ve shelled out another ten dollars to our local megaplex-rape-atorum to sit through yet another spinning reel of motion picture abomination.

Still, the U.S produces a lot of movies. Actually the U.S. puts out so much film that statistically speaking a handful of these movies MUST be watchable. So with statistics on our side, the following are the hopefuls for the fall/winter season.

Of course any one – or indeed all of these may turn out to be miserable conglomerations of deranged prostituting directors, belligerent, spoiled actors, legions of producers, stagehands and all around pathetic sycophantic MMPAA morons.

So I could be wrong about all of these. And I probably am wrong about most of these. But if you’re hell bent on a rendezvous with the slimy sheen of American Film – these should be the easiest to scrape off of your cerebrum after the viewing.


9/1 - Children of Men:

C. Owen doing a little 12 Monkeys-style dirty-future-thriller. This is a film about a near future earth where woman have become entirely barren. Across the board. Of course our hero Clive finds the key to prolonging our races's sad stay on the globe and this actually looks like it could be a decently touching and darkly poignant sci-fi peice. Owen generally does good films and this movie looks fairly solid in the trailer. Of course using Sigor Ros in your movie trailer tends to make ANYTHING look beautiful and touching.

[TRAILER] The Children of Men

9/29 – Idiocracy:

Office Space’s Mike Judge returns to film with Luke Wilson as his lead. The concept for this movie has some damn funny potential: an American soldier is cryogenically frozen for 200 years and wakes to find the world is so dumbed-down, that he is the smartest man alive. Now this will probably bomb at the box office- but how well do you think Office Space did?


No Trailer Available



Seriously, it's an entire month of trash. If you’re looking for entertainment in October you’ll have to hide in the bushes and steal candy from twelve year olds like the rest of us.


11/3 – Borat The Movie:

If you already know about this film (and corresponding BBC/HBO character,) you already know this will be the funniest thing you’ll see this year. If you don’t know about this film you can expect to wear your clueless-bastard sometime in your very near future. You remember your clueless-bastard face. It’s the same face you wore when everyone but you had seen Napoleon D.


11/10 – The Good Year:

I’m a whore for Ridley Scott and Rus Crowe doesn’t really do bad flicks. I know this looks like a feel good family blow-fest, but whatever. What’s the last bad Crowe flick you sat through? Exactly. Even if this does suck- you owe him one.

The Good Year

11/17 – Casino Royale:

Want to know an easy way to spot the morons in a thick crowd of people? Ask everyone who thinks this movie will ruin the Bond franchise to raise his or her hand. Now look. Everyone with their arms in the air is a fucking retard. You see even if this movie is horrible, it couldn’t possibly be worse than the last Bond bomb. And what’s more I could kick Bronson’s ass. Heartily. Daniel Craig is the man. Did you see Layer Cake?

No seriously- this movie looks absolutely ill.

[TRAILER] Casino Royale

11/22 – The Fountain:

Entertainment Weekly called Darren Aronofsky the new Kubric and dammit, they are dead-on. This flick could not only be one of the best in 2006 but possibly this decade.

Yeah. I said it.

So far, this is the most theaterable flick on the calendar. “ If you only see one…”

Just watch the damn trailer. No seriously. Watch it now.

[TRAILER] The Fountain


12/8 – Apocalypto:

Wahh Mel Gibson is a racist drunkard. Please. Polanski was a pederast and he gave us China Town. Plenty of scumbags make great movies. Get over it.

[TRAILER] Apocalypto

12/8 - The Good German:

Soderbergh. If you haven’t figured it out Steve is one of the best directors out there. Sure, he makes an occasional feel-good big budget easy-kill, but so what. Those movies let Clooney make the crazy Indie flicks he (and I) love so much. This is a spy thriller set in WWII Germany. And it will rule.

No Trailer Available

12/22 – The Good Sheperd:

Bobby D directing again- and he’s directing Damon in a Cold war era spy thriller. This should be plenty cool.

No Trailer Available

12/29 – Pan’s Labyrinth:

I don’t know dick about this movie, but I saw a screen shot with a crazy-ass creature that looks like it wandered off of the set of Legend. Unfortunately the plot is more like Mirror Mask than the 80s Labyrinth that scared the Christ out of any prepubescent viewer.

[TRAILER] Pan's Labyrinth

Well, there you have it.

Just remember, whatever you do- DO NOT WATCH TRANSFORMERS.


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