Tuesday, August 15, 2006

My friends are idiots.

I hate being right.

As an overzealous cynic and a chronic pessimist there is nothing less fun than being right all of the time.

Well call me Cassandra and consider my parade pissed upon; I’ve done it again.

As one of the four people on the face of the planet who dared naysay The Lord of the Rings Trilogy I was exceptionally skeptical when I heard Peter Jackson was remaking a movie that no one wanted to see remade.

And when I saw trailers and clips of the movie I recognized the handy work of a fresh young Hollywood ultra-mega-whore.

Bruckheimer, Bay – meet Pete Jackson, the evil trifecta of Hell’s demon princes has been completed.

It’s not just that Jackson is either unable, or uninterested in decent editing, (he extends his incompetence to both sound editing and visual editing- notice characters talking with their backs to the camera while their heads bob and nod out-of-synch with voice-overs that change pitch and volume as the sound editor goes from one take to the next.)

And it’s not just that Pete blindly intertwines opposing footage, neighboring scenes shot with completely different types of cameras causing a garish clash of contrasting color and lighting, and it’s not just that he makes no attempt to smooth the CGI slaughtered shots in with the few live-action shots he uses.

No, it’s not even dialogue that's so stiff and flat it’d make George Lucas embarrassed to press.

And it’s not the shamelessly formulaic and almost comedically cliché scenes conjoined with nauseating doses of melodramatic strong-armed character-development, complete with sad violins for the moments when we are supposed to feel something other than boredom (or stunned outrage)- it's none of these things that have me so bothered.

What infuriates me so much about Peter Jackson’s multimillion dollar remake; is that I actually listened to my dumbass friends and rented this monstrous cluster-fuck of a blockbuster.

It’s bad enough America’s taste in film seems perennially mired between the nation’s balls and ass crack- but apparently even now my chosen friends have betrayed me and gone to the dark side. And when I say dark side, I mean of course, the taint.

However,the good news is that Transformers doesn’t look nearly as bad as it did before.

Oh fucking hell, at this point Little Man looks likes like it could sweep the Oscars.

American film is dead.


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