Saturday, July 15, 2006

This just in: Fuck Universal Productions. Fuck them so hard.

"If it's a sequal, adaptation or remake- we'll ruin it."

It has come to my attention that Universal Studios is either the most incompetent or just overtly evil institution on the face of the planet.

Al Qaeda does more good for the human race, in one week than this movie studio does in a fiscal year. By far.

This company has lost all control of it's development branch and is actually utterly incapable of saying "no" to anything that doesn't further spoil our species and lead all sane people into fantasies involving the sun careening into our pathetic sphere, obliterating all trace of our existence as well as The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

For those of you still skeptical, check out some of the gems awaiting our hard earned dollars in Universal's platinum pipeline:

-Nappily Ever After
-Jurassic Park IV
(Yeaaah MILK IT BABY- there's at least 30 bucks left in this franchise.)
-Knocked Up (This is exactly what you think it is.)
-American Pie 5: The Naked Mile
-Creature from the Black Lagoon (Gee I wonder if the creature will be 100% CGI and 200% fucking retarded.)
-White Noise 2: The Light (Why.)
-The Incredible Hulk (Yeah, no. This isn't a mistake. They are doing a sequel to a adaptation no one liked. And not even calling it Hulk:2)

If none of those titles have convinced you that Universal Productions is in fact, helmed by a crew of special-ed kids who have somehow locked all of the doors to the Universal boardroom and have discovered the magical "green light" button, then surely you must believe that the CEO and President of the company is none other that Lucifer, King of Hell and Prince of Darkness. Because if neither of those options seem like plausible explanations to you, well then most likely you're either struggling to read this blog through the plastic blast shield of your own tard helmet or you've already sold your soul to Beelzebub and you just can't wait for when Ang Lee directs The Fast and the Furious 4: Zero to Sexy, Speed=Blowjobs.

" You guys ever race for 'The Load' before? No? Check it: Our co-pilots domes the winner off. Now, are you man enough?"


Blogger marilyn's shampoo said...

great post....

"Nappily Ever After "

surely that can't be a real film??

2:28 PM  
Blogger Screamon said...

It burns my brain just reading that title.

3:08 PM  

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